NEW!!  August 2012 - The OLD GITS’ DIARY - THE TRANSCRIPTS

30th December 2008 The last Gits of 2008 was ill-attended. Dick was said to have left at 1610. Mike and Roger arrived. Alan was in Crouch End, and Richard was confused.

7th January 2009 Mortlake Brewery  - school Nativity  - golfers going deaf -  Dick’s spaghetti bolognese  - eye laser surgery  - cricket  - Concorde -  Tubular Bells -  Abercorn opening hours -  sofa humping??  - lightbulbs.

14th January 2009 moths  - spell checkers -  children in pubs and dogs -  Dick’s extension  - third runway -  Mutley the Yorkie -  restaurants, try a new one -  old-fashioned coppers -  weird people  - cases of wine  - Delia Smith  - Richard will cook.

21st January 2009 Mason's has closed -  Roger's step-dad's fiddle -  face of Mohammed' in a Twiglet -  cameras -  batteries -  beard admiration  - in-flight drinking -  aches and pains of getting old -  Wendy Padbury -  Mousey Mousey and Hungry Hippo  - pretentious job titles.

28th January, 2009 Twickenham trolley bus  - Richard's new scanner  - Queen Isabella -  Richard's well -  Concorde  - cost of TVs  - Wilkinson's  - central heating  - Pea-Souper -  cameras -  solicitors' bills -  car mechanics -  Roger's Irish Connery.

4th February 2009 Snow -  cameras -  TVs -  Roger's agent retiring  - lager is a girlie drink  - Japanese burglar alarms  - Isle of Wight souvenir souvenir! -  Stan says Derby is more southern than London  - Monkey hangers -  Spike Milligan.

11th February, 2009 No conversation, alleged stripper.

18th February, 2009 lightbulbs -  my camera video -  sound of music  - South West Trains redundancies  - job satisfaction -  13 year old father  - rabbit mixing my toasties  - open gardens and houses  - catching catfish -  Morton Fraser Harmonica Gang.

25th February 2009 Twickenham “Naked ladies” -  my redundancy offer -  paying off mortgages early  - nationalising banks and privatising Post Offices -  John Fisher anecdotes  - speeding and motorways -  cut-price newspaper vouchers  - getting the punchline wrong  - bigotry.

11th March, 2009 My redundancy yet again -  Roger's fiddle sold for £1,440! -  crime -  Julie's training -  smellchecker for Stan's website -  taming children -  What Old Gits talk about  - Archer's update  - value of “Tom Archer Sausages” -  how quickly people can die  - dulcimer, autoharp and Carter Family -  Royal anti-diluvian order of buffaloes  - Roger said "I'll shut up"  - abattoirs of the 1950s -  medical treatment of the 1950s.

18th March, 2009 Stan's sunburn-proof shirt  -   Portuguese golf courses -  where is Richard? -  art galleries -  art -  stop talking about monorails, you've got a one-track mind -  Frizl the rapist  - Martin and Richard’s quiz at the Abercorn  - Mel's David and the bullet -  and the teabag in the kettle  - Roger talks Irish and Scottish -  getting harmless things through customs -  Roger and Alan doing Mel Solomon doing Richard III  - chroma key or colour separation overlay  - Peter Kay.

25th March, 2009 Bombay Duck -  Roger's mum's ashes -  Richard in Portugal -  Google Street View  - wrist watches  - adopting the crash position  - Roger Walker impersonations -  half price supermarket food.

1st April, 2009 side effects of the Metronadizole  - parking at Richer Sounds -  rat bedding  - does Martin look like Bill Kenright? -  Roger doesn't exist -  bank accounts -  have you got a hub cap for a Skoda?  - Eldorado revival -  old guitars and violins, Stradi-various fiddle puns -  Bushy Park developments -  buying a boat -  Roger's new neighbours -  Daily car hire.

8th April, 2009 Richard's DIY  - gamma G T  - helicopter crashes -  Rebel yells -  San Francisco  - attendance badges  - Martin's YouTube videos  - installing central heating -  Google Street View -  giving blood  - £60 for 15 prawns in Sandy's -  fish with fancy names  - selling sheep in Japan as poodles  - Slumdog.

15th April, 2000 Richard's DIY -  burglar alarms -  Borzoi dogs -  Westonbirt Aboretum -  TV comedians -  people you don't want see in your local -  shall we film Gits live?  - Jeffrey Archer versus Ricky Tomlinson  - Stan and Richard argue about the cost of newspapers -  Roger's water meter -  Roger says “I am not a happy bunny” -  shall we video Christmas Gits -  PC protection.

29th April, 2009 Spider Martin had already left before I arrived -  it was very quiet for 30 seconds until Richard came in  - strange bed-and-breakfast stories  - my eyebrows  - holidays -  walking -  Troodos mountains -  Is Jo a better barmaid than Linda?  - first £3 pint -  bringing artifacts for the Roebuck  - Radio Solent -  Barcelona pickpockets -  Gaudi architecture   - Singing Nun.

13th May, 2009 Dick’s birthday on Friday -  almost too quiet then a car exploded outside  -  geese -  Bushey and Richmond parks -  astronomical telescopes -  property in Whitton  - Roger paused for breath  - Roger's moving plans -  flat-screen TVs   - Martin pointed out that Richard was missing -  why only once in four weeks?  - Dick was wearing a scarf, Martin called him a scarf ace.

20th May 2009 Gorse  - Old Git mints  - proliferation of road kill lately  - ginger beer  - the Pope's Grotto  - Astrotel -  sat navs  - a long gap with nothing worth mentioning -  why do bar staff give bigger pints to lager boys? The sun shining through the bevelled glass in the door at 1853  -  was it my Arsene Wenger impersonation  - No 1, Artillery Row  - cheap air flights  - can we still buy Izal toilet paper?

27th May 2009: Co-ax connectors on aerials -  mismatched battery capacities -  concealing a dead body -  hoax e-mails  - Spam phone-calls -  over-eeding goldfish  - open gardens day -  Bushy Park  - deer -  Welsh Bruce -  the A 3 -  grammar checkers  - cost of weddings.

10th June, 2009 Buying new golf clubs  - randomness of failing lightbulbs -  buying microwave ovens  - bed-and-breakfasts -  sofabed joke  - Euro elections -  Vincent Cable  - Hounslow shops -  dodgy foreign builders  - Capital Ring -  London Squares  - Alcatraz

17th June, 2009 my job interview -  Stan at Twickenham Festival -  misleading country walks  - Plusnet  - constipation -  circumcision  - “guys”   -   OAPs  asking for a refund -  basic computer confusion and very soft boiled eggs -  Kismet  - low-flying planes  - Spencer Davis's drummer  - Mel leaving the Abercorn -  first mention of punnet -  possibly a small pun -  Richard returns a set of left -  handed golf clubs.

24th June, 2000 Alan's head-dents  - Cannes -  Thailand  - passports  - curry club -  Wareham Forest -  Cotswolds -  David's diet  - the price of coffee  - sub woofers  -  rose of Sharon _A_O_S   _E__D (crossword clue)  - Hinge and Brackett -  monkey hanging  - Dracula and Frankenstein.

19th August, 2009 Googling for boobies and tits  - Google your postcode -  last night on Crimewatch -  Richard's new office chair  - Roger drops his trousers on 17th November on Holby City  - cost of weddings -  blot on a landscape golf courses  - John Nettles once spilt tooth powder in Roger's house -  Roger in the last episode of Doc Marten -  Roger's prosthetic arm story -  lots of tedious comparing of ring tones -  Richard said to Rosie "Did we miss your entrance?" -  suet pudding  - Main and desserts  - Kingston goat curry

9th September 2009 political correctness gone mad  - Spotted Richard  - Angela's 60th birthday -  old N P L people  - are there any black Morris dancers?  - circumcision -  contents of Richard's late neighbour’s freezer -  how to choose a good tin of chopped tomatoes -  Stan and I think Richard and Martin are really sad Old Gits.

16th September, 2009 Freemasonry -  pregnant pauses   - moving the Isle of Wight -  steel in Samurai swords  - guns on the Mary Rose  - the elephant in the room -  Agatha Christie actresses -  the 39 Steps  - lightbulbs -  N P L building mains  - Paines Hill Park.

23rd September, 2009 getting car- lights fixed -  old versions of software  - retuning a Digibox  - speeding and fines -  gall bladder pain -  calculus origins  - getting stuff out of the skips  - putting stuff in skips -  Croydon airport -  faded elegance.

30th September, 2009 Autistic dogs -  curry club  - Zyklon B -  Flint McCulloch in Wagon Train  - "The good old days"  - the fox has left his lair  - the Inkspots -  urban myths -  local Greek restaurants  - language problems  - St Martin's Day.

14th October 2009 Poor attendance  - Alan filming -  single malts  - Richard painting the steppes  - curry club is December 6th -  Dick’s new non-English-speaking Brazilian cleaner  - the Gits Diary Christmas Show  - worst absence excuse -  leaves for the 5th year -  Gits lifetime achievement award -  most discussed ailment  - flounce of the year  - most tolerant git partner  - Luvvie of the Year after five unsuccessful nominations -  Stan's sprinkler-eating dog.

28th October 2009 The poor quality of my YouTube videos  - Kempton nature reserve -  holiday in Southwold.

11th November 2009 St Martin's Day -  a pregnant shark gave birth after being bitten  - A Town Like Alice  - Roger on Doc Marten  - what dogs can watch on TV  - revolving restaurants  - Billy Butlin -  consumer surveys.

25th November 2009 Buying M&S charity ties -  Christmas -  bowel cancer  - 84-year-old lady in leather trousers -  Ethel Merman  - the Blues Brothers -  is it really 18 years since Freddie Mercury died?  - Feltham is still a dump  - getting your heating allowance -  Alzheimer's  - Frank Skinner  - Tommy Steele's house -  touching an electric fence.

This page is dedicated to the memory of Richard Payne and John Fisher.  Happy daze.